This Is Why There Will Always Be an England
The joys of a British Man Shed—or better yet, a Pub Shed—define the essence of the United Kingdom
A bike, a shed, and a wheelbarrow. Now that’s what I call heaven! Photo: Wikimedia Commons
Here’s a nifty little tune to put you in a shed sort of mood. Have a listen!
YES, IT’S ALMOST THAT TIME of year again. The last Thursday of November. The day when families gather around the communal table, join hands in thanks, and turn on the telly to watch the presentation of the U.K. Men’s Shed Awards.
Let’s start by agreeing that men, generally speaking, are gross and solitary creatures. They smell funny, talk when they should shut up, fart with wild abandon, and scratch their anatomy at inappropriate moments. And they need a place to do all that in peace.
In America, we have the man cave. Perhaps it’s in the basement. Others are in the garage. Yet others are in Mar-A-Lago. In England, it’s the backyard shed.
One Man’s Man Cave—From Disaster to Delight
I don’t live in England, nor do I own a shed. Instead, I have a Man Cave. Mine is above my garage. During Superstorm Sandy in 2012, a tree fell onto our rickety, tilting, 100-year-old garage, which was probably a horse barn before that. Previously, I had nailed 2-by-4’s along the interior studs in the hopes that they might stabilize the structure and prevent it from toppling over in a light breeze. But when the tree came down, so did the garage.
I saw the damage the next morning and, despite the building’s iffy hopes for a viable future, I was horrified by what confronted me. “Oh, no, Kathy, come look at this!”
Kathy surveyed the damage out the kitchen window and smiled. “Score!” Fist pump.
Mark’s Man Cave. Note the hand-drawn villains in the framed artworks and the Hobie Surf Shop paper bag hanging from the coat rack. Photo by M.O.
Thanks to homeowner’s insurance, we rebuilt the garage and added a second story (at extra cost), which now serves as my office, radio and TV room, music studio, and yoga/meditation/intentional-living space. Haha, just kidding! I don’t have a radio in there.
The U.K. Version of a Man Cave Is, um, Very English
Only recently did I learn about sheds in the U.K., the equivalent of man caves in the U.S. A shed in England might be exactly what the name implies: a rundown shack meant to store garden equipment in the backyard of a semi-detached house in Ipswich, but with a beer fridge. Other sheds are architectural gems, large and comfortable, with sound systems, televisions permanently tuned to World Cup Cricket, elaborate bars, and urinals.
‘Why do you harass me like that, woman? I’m busy trying to discover the Cumberland Gap!’
The shed is where Englishmen and their mates go to discuss the latest doings in Parliament, consider whether Brexit was successful, debate the merits of John Locke’s influential “An Essay Concerning Human Understanding“, and then drink real cask ale until they are pissed out of their gourds.
There they tinker, think, and be themselves, as disgusting as that may be. They fart, burp, and scratch to within an inch of their lives. Join us, won’t you?
Traditionally, an Englishman would co-opt the garden shed out back for his own selfish purposes, leaving the shovels and hoes in the open air to rust picturesquely in the nonstop English rain. Increasingly, though, men buy their sheds from online stores and have them delivered. They. Are. Magnificent.
Granted, some of them look like tiny little barns. Others like dollhouses. Still others like, well, sheds. But when sheds are built by determined men, they take on a monumental aspect. Example: Weety’s Bar in Weymouth (motto: “Beer is the answer. I can’t remember the question”), voted Pub Shed of the Year in 2021.
I want to go to there. Weety’s Bar, the 2021 Pub Shed of the Year.
Yes, this is a thing. Not just Shed of the Year. Pub Shed of the Year. Anyone needing a Moment of Macho Masculine Manly Man Meditation should have a look at images from the current and past winners of this august competition—burled wood bars, brick fireplaces, inglenooks, metal signs for ancient ales, exotic beer taps, and, of course, dart boards aplenty. The Pub Shed of the Year website has pictures that will make a drinking man drool.
Weety’s was built and designed by the mononymical Iain, a veteran of the Royal Navy and clearly a lover of pubs. I’ve never met him, but I love him. On the wall of Weety’s is a sign advertising the price for a barman to say you’re not there when your wife calls (“Just had one drink and left.” Service fee: £4), a Cubanisto Rum neon sign with a skull’s head, a dartboard (obs), and an intriguing set of bar pumps.
“Here behind the bar,” said Iain, grasping the pump handles lovingly, “the bar pumps came from the HMS Royal when I was on there. Thought I’d build a pub around them.”
Which brings to mind a question—not so much how Iain came into possession of said bar taps but more specifically: British Navy ships have bars?!
See, this is why the Brits are so sophisticated while we in America are barely climbing out of the primordial ooze.
Buy One Online. It’s Easier
Wayfair, that online Costco, sells sheds ranging from $5,000 to $15,000 or more. I’m partial to the Star Barn Outdoor Wood Storage Shed, an almost church-like structure that comes complete with all necessary hardware and detailed assembly instructions. Yours for just $13,552.99 (shipping included!)
The Star Barn Outdoor Wood Storage Shed, where a man can scratch and fart to his heart’s content. Photo: Wayfair
Elsewhere on the World Wide Web, you’ll find the cottage-style garden shed Myrtle from SolidBuild ($6,596), the 12×12 Western Red Cedar – Sunshed Garden Shed – Sunlit Greenhouse & Hobby Studio Kit from Outdoor Living Today ($7,995), and, one of my favorites, the Cedarshed Farmhouse Shed Kit, available now for only $10,999.99. I would feel like Dan’l Boone if I had that as a man shed.
Kathy: “Mark, it’s time to come in for dinner!”
Mark: “Why do you harass me like that, woman? I’m busy trying to discover the Cumberland Gap!”
The English Influence Cannot Be Overstated
Some will tell you that the Shed Movement began in Australia. I wouldn’t put it past them. They’re sneaky that way. But I’m not ruling out the English. The British Empire still has a strong hold over its former constituencies, including Canada, Ireland, and, yes, the United States.
Whether you build your own shed, or you pick one up from Wayfair (delivery included), just remember to check with your local building department if it is up to code.
And if you intentionally set out to build a pub shed (bless you, my child), also check with your state Alcoholic Beverage Control. Otherwise, things might get out of hand while you’re discussing John Locke’s essays.
Now, if you wish, watch the video version of this column below.
Love it!